Insomnia

I usually wake up at least once every night, a habit that started to build when Rob was an infant and woke me up several times a night. I can probably count with my ten fingers the nights that I have slept without interruptions since my children were born. “Parenting is not for cowards.” How true it is!

I have become less and less courageous ever since I became a dad. I guess I had a lot more to lose and the apprehension of loss made me walk a tightrope everyday. I think having children probably had the same effect on Kathy as well. I can hardly envision she was once the girl who took flying lessons and ventured out to an island nation at the tender age of 26 sight unseen, and while she was there, she would ride on a moped without a helmet, speeding down a rice-paddy-lined road. We are now a late middle-aged man and woman who often clutch themselves in fear. Why? It all started with having children.

Now you know why I have insomnia.

It’s fortunate that our Heavenly Father does not need any sleep, for if he did, he would not get any because his concern for billions of his children would surely keep him from getting any shuteye.

“I am afraid of having children because I will be just like you, constantly worrying about your sons,” Rob said to me once. Well, he might be on to something. I am a coward from birth, and have become more cowardly by the day. I desperately need a brave heart.

“Children should not travel far when their parents are still alive, and they should have a clear direction if they do,” wrote Confucius. Of all the ancient Chinese virtues, filial piety was probably the most esteemed. Considering how far I have traveled from my parents, I have fallen way short in that aspect.

“O by the way, I am going to Beijing next Tuesday,” Rob said to me over the phone. I guess my insomnia will not get better any day soon.